The Organizer
by seraphimi
Summary: (an Absolutely Fabulous/DS9 crossover) Enroute to DS9, Edina Monsoon loses her organizer.


TITLE: The Organizer   
SERIES: Absolutely Fabulous/DS9 crossover   
RATED: PG   
DISCLAIMER: I don;'t own a thing :>) It all belongs to Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders, and the DS9 stuff is Paramount's. 

_THE ORGANIZER_   
by melissa 

  


"Red alert!" 

The station was instantly filled with the battle cry of alarms and Ops was covered in a red glow. Colonel Kira pressed the onscreen button to see what was causing the terrified paleness that made Sisko's skin a pasty grey. She stared at the ship heading directly for the station. 

"But, sir," she said, shaking her head, "it's only a passenger shuttle." 

"Incoming message, sir," O'Brien interrupted. He glanced over at Sisko meaningfully, "It's Captain Picard of the Enterprise, sir." 

"Onscreen," Sisko commanded. 

The flustered visage of Captain Jean-Luc Picard suddenly appeared on the screen, and Kira noted that both Picard and Sisko had matching beads of sweat on the tops of both of their naked domes. 

"Have you heard?" Picard asked. 

"Of course," Sisko replied gravely. 

"My God, "Picard breathed, and covered his mouth with a shaking hand, "I never thought once in my life, Captain Sisko, that I would be putting you under this sort of terrorism. There truly are some things that make the strongest man alive quake with equal mixtures of terror and horror. You understand, don't you, how difficult this is going to be?" 

"Yes, sir," Sisko said, unblinking and clearly forcing a brave face. Kira looked from Picard to Sisko and back again, confused. What was going to happen? Was the ship carrying a bomb? What could possibly be so terrifying and awful that two Starfleet Captains would stand before her, quaking in their boots? 

"There is nothing more violent, more destructive, more testing of any person's inner strength," Captain Picard continued, his mouth quivering and pale, "than a visit from Edina Monsoon." 

***   
The docking bay doors opened, spilling its multicolored contents onto the floor. Edina Monsoon picked herself up and dusted off her brand new LACROIX spandex suit, muttering and cursing over the rivets in the floors, blaming the design of the structure rather than the massive clogs that encased her feet. 

Behind her, like a smoking corpse, Pats slid out of the doors, a cigarette carelessly dangling from her lips and a half empty wineglass dangling in her right hand. Behind her several Starfleet medics were rushing into the docking bay area, and they hurried past her to a patient held within. 

"That was the worst ride yet," Edina said, tossing back her hair and adjusting her breasts in the cups of the LACROIX suit, "I mean really, sitting me next to the window, what were they thinking? I had to take at least a handful of tranqs, darling, just to make it through the liftoff, I mean who wants to see all that oblivion sitting outside of their window. Really, just one little shove, darling, and I'd be torn inside out and spread across the galaxy like crunchy peanut butter or something."Edina wrinkled her nose, and took out a cig. 

"We're losing him!" Someone shouted within the docking doors. Edina stared in to the doorway they had just left. 

"And really, next time we'll take something more private than this piece of junk. Oh, and thank you very much Pats for going to the loo and leaving me with Mr. Personality. Vulcans. He was so dull if I'd have mind melded with him I'd have gotten a lobotomy." She began rummaging madly through her gigantic, multi-colored purse. "Where the hell is it...Do you think you should've lit that ciggie with that Bolian sitting beside you? I mean, it's fatal to them, after all." 

Pats snorted, "What? And spend the rest of that disgusting trip drinking their stale wine and smelling that vile Klingon's sweat?" 

"The Klingon? There was a Klingon on the shuttle?" 

Pats suddenly looked uncomfortable, "Yeah, in the loo." A twisted smile crept onto Pats face, and in gravel voice she said, "He had one hell of Bat'leth, if you know what I mean..." 

"Oh my god!" Edina exclaimed, "Bubble!" She dumped the contents of her purse onto the floor, sending massive amounts of LACROIX jewelry onto the tiles. "Oh, the little cow, she's got my organizer!" 

"So buy a new one." 

"No! You don't understand, " Edina said in a panicked frenzy, "it was specially designed just for me, by my personal Zen trainer and part time aneastheologist. It follows my brain patterns...Oh bloody hell..."   
"Isn't that the one that kept breaking?" 

"It's working now darling, following my brain waves somewhere away from me, and in that little leg of Barbie's pocket no less. Oh damn, damn! All my appointments and numbers and meetings and conferences--MY WHOLE LIFE IS IN THAT LITTLE BOX!" 

"Clear!" A crackling sound emitted from the docking bay doors. Pats sighed. 

"I'm going to find the bar," she said, and left Edina struggling with her purse, alone. 

*** 

Quark stared at his new patron with no small amount of anger. She'd just drank twelve glasses of his best champagne only to charge it to her account and not leave a tip. The Dabo girls gave her cutting looks and she gave them equal daggers with her eyes in reply. One of the more breasted of the Dabo girls kept leaning by her side, and distracting the rich gentleman she had been trying to catch the attention of. Not to be outmaneuvered by a mammary gland, Pats grabbed a few stray cockroaches that were hiding under the counter and dropped the squirming bodies into the drinks on her tray. The Dabo girl finally left, leaving Pats open to place her claws in this latest acquisition. 

"So," she said to Dukat, turning on her charm and leering widely, making sure of course that the first ten or so buttons of her rose colored blouse were very clearly undone, "where are your quarters, anyway?" 

Dukat looked around nervously, searching for an avenue of escape, but she had boxed him in a corner and annoyed everyone so much with her brash, rude attitude that everyone was avoiding them. 

"I'm sorry, " he said quickly, making a move to get up, "I have to..." 

"I'm telling you Odo, they were stolen!" She heard an angry voice say outside of the bar. "They are the most expensive blouses in my shop, you just can't get that material *anywhere* Constable, they spin the threads of its silk only once every ten years, when the Katydidia silkworms are nearly mature. That's how they get that lovely rose hue, and why it is so expensive, and also why I demand that you find out who stole them!" 

"Garak," she heard an equally angered voice reply, "Right now a few blouses aren't much of a priority..." 

"Are you not listening to what I am saying?? I have lost hundreds of strips of latinum over this..." 

"All right then," she said, nodding her head to Dukat and slipping on her jacket over her lovely rose colored silk shirt, "let's go."   
"I..I..." 

"Here, I'll lead on." She downed the contents of her wine glass in a huge gulp and tossed it empty onto the counter, rushing a still protesting Dukat out the door. As they left there were several screams and the smash of at least a dozen glasses. She slid easily past Garak and Odo, using the still very much protesting Dukat as her cover. 

*** 

Edina Monsoon, having just broken into Sisko's office to use his mail service, was having a heated, passionate discussion of the most utter importance. 

"Look, sweetie darhling, just turn the index machine on while I download the information through my veins." 

The exasperated Saffron stood in the small window of the console with a look of absolute horror on her face. "Mother, you can't be serious!" 

"Just do it, sweetie!" 

"No! I am not letting you hypodermic your organizer! You'll just have to wait until Bubble arrives." 

Edina, screaming in fury, her hair in complete disarray, shouted, "Well just bloody well tell me who I have an appointment with here this afternoon!" 

"I can't," Saffron said, "you forgot your password, remember?" 

"Look, darling, " a desperate Edina said, her voice sweet and pleading, "please, let mummy download the imprint of my brainwaves through the line, please sweetie." 

"For the last time, no. It isn't a secure line, mother, someone could steal your brain wave pattern," Saffron crossed her arms over her chest, "I'm sure it could be made to be a deadly weapon. Millions would be compelled to overeat and wear spandex suits three sizes too small for them. We'd all be blind." 

"Well, as long as I get the royalties, I don't care!!" Edina smoothed down her LACROIX spandex suit, and adjusted her breasts in them yet again, "Besides, I'm on a diet sweetie, you know that." 

"Is this the Eat Everything Even If It's Inedible Diet?" Saffron asked with sarcasm. 

"As a matter of fact, sweetie, yes it is! And you can cut the disparaging remarks sweetie. I mean really. How am I supposed to lose weight if I don't have family support? It's all about support, sweetie, something I don't get from anyone."   
"If I supported you, I'd break my spine." Saffron sighed, "Look, you can't just go around eating anything and everything all the time and think that's going to help you lose weight." 

"Oh really, sweetie?" Edina shot back with venom, "Well, let's see you suck on a piece of linoleum and tell me how hungry YOU are afterwards, hmmm?" 

Just then the doors behind her slid open and she felt more than saw Captain Sisko staring at her back. She turned around to see him shaking his head, his mouth moving but so enraged he couldn't even speak. "Captain Sisko! Oh sweetie darling, look, it's Captain Sisko. I just had to call my daughter, you understand." 

Sisko shook his head and stared dumbly at his office. Throughout the room dishes upon dishes of half eaten food littered every surface. A half eaten donut. An apple core. The remnants of tiramisu. And, to add to his shock, a piece of bristol board with bites on it. 

As he was about to ask what was going on, the sudden blare of a red alert signal interrupted his confusion. Both he and Edina ran into Ops. 

"Colonel, what's going on?" 

Kira, keeping her head as cool as possible said, "It's the Borg,sir. They're approaching DS9." 

Suddenly, the Ops screen flickered into life, and standing there before them in all her horrendous glory was: 

"Bubble!" Edina exclaimed. 

"You weeel awl be..eeehm...Yewl awl be lacerba-ayted. No, that don't sound rahgt. Yewl all be associated..Naw..Wot's the other won? Resistence is fertile." 

"I don't understand a word she's saying," Kira said. 

"Bubble," Edina shouted to her. "Have you got my organizer?" 

"Oh yeah, Bubble of Ten has it somewhare." She waved to a borg behind her and what had been a former Klingon stepped up to the screen. 

"Yew have an appointment with the Boolians on Reesa." He said in Bubble's exact exaggerated cockney accent, "An' it's reeehhlly reeehlly important." 

"Risa?" Edina frowned. "Then what am I doing here?" 

"You wanted one of the Cardassian doorknobs." 

"Oh, of course. Great, we'll head to Risa right away, soon as I find Pats, alright?" 

"I don't believe this," Sisko said, staring at the screen. 

"Yes, funny isn't it? I never would have thought the Borg would want to be Bubble." 

"What kind of organizer do you have?" O'Brien asked, peering at Edina fearfully from his console. 

"The BrainWave 2499. Why?" 

"Huh," O'Brien said, thinking aloud, "it must have transferred your brainwaves onto the Borg." 

"Well, they aren't *my* brainwaves," Edina reminded him, "they're Bubble's." Sudden fury began welling up within her, "Oh, you wretched little Barbie leg, you've being using my organizer!!" 

*** 

The door to where Pats was located slid open and Pats, still doing up her rose colored silk blouse, walked out of the room. Behind her, a disheveled Cardassian male rushed past her and bolted down the corridor. 

"He was a bit of something, wasn't he?" Edina leered. 

Pats snorted, "I'd say, talk about draining the lizard, heheh." She frowned a little, "Only I don't suppose I should have worn my alligator skin pants, it seemed to really distress him when I got undressed." 

Edina shrugged, "Well, come on, I found Bubble, and we're off to Riasa." 

"What did we come here for?" 

"Doorknobs." 

"Did you get one?" 

"No." 

Pats chewed her bottom lip. "Stay here, I'll be right back." 

***   
The Borg cube settled into the docking back and both Pats and Edina entered the passageway and climbed inside. Behind them, a tall Cardassian male was shivering before the woman she had heard referred to as Colonel Kira. 

"It was so awful," she heard him say, and the Bajoran wrapped a blanket around his shoulders. 

"Where did you get these doorknobs Pats? They are fabulous, dahrling, just fabulous." 

Pats took a long drag of her cigarette. "I had a look around." 

In another section of the station, Garak went to re-open his shop, only to find the doors he had locked that morning were missing.   
  
"This trip better be a lot smoother than that last ride," she snarled, and Edina nodded enthusiastically. 

"Oh, it's gorgeous, just gorgeous. Very gothic, you know, very Gigeresque. I'm thinking of having the house redone in this style." 

"Hmph, be easy to clean." 

"I think I'll keep the cube, we can put all the Borg Bubbles to work at the office. People will be talking for ages, darling, AGES." 

END   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
